AJK.

So this is it, I’m breaking down, is this what you wanted to see?
Are you so insecure about yourself that now you degrade me?
Aren’t you the adult? Aren’t you the mature one? It obviously isn’t so,
You’re as bad as the others who, unlike you, will one day eventually grow.

You say you’re so perfect, you think you’re so strong,
But it’s obvious to me you’ve been wrong all along.
They think that you care, they don’t know what you’ll do,
They don’t know that you’ll gossip all that they’ve trusted with you.

I’ll admit it, I once trusted you, too,
But never again will I be the fool.
You’ll never grow up, and even if you do
I hope I’m long gone; I’m so done with you.

If I had a choice, I’d be done with your class,
Done with your hypocrisy and your arrogant ass.
Get over yourself, you’ll never be what you act,
Quit while you’re ahead, while your lies are intact.

I think that your goal all along has been
To make people crash and always to win.
I’ve got news for you darling, that’s not how I roll,
I’ll make sure that you never again bother my soul.

I’ll build up this wall, put a smile on my face
I know how to put you right back in your place.
You won’t defeat me, I have God on my side,
And He didn’t put me on this Earth to hide.

I’ll kill you with kindness, or maybe you’ll see
A change in the works, a new side of me.
A side unfazed by the insults you fling,
A scornful reminder of all the tears you can’t bring.

You’re powerless now, how does it feel?
I’m fine on my own without you at the wheel.
All that you know I can teach myself,
And I’ll still have my pride, in a box on the shelf.

I'm not scared.

Crazy.

Contentment: an unreachable goal.

Oh, to be a grownup and answer to nobody. To never have to go to school or be in bed by 8:30. To eat ice cream for every meal and every day be my birthday... Oh, to be a grownup and answer to nobody.

Oh, to be a teenager and be respected by society. To be a teenager and be respected by society. To be allowed to date and have my first kiss. To be old enough to drive and play varsity. To have my opinions matter and not be labeled "little." Oh, to be a teenager and be respected by society.

Oh, to be 19 and finally be free. To have a car and privileges and do whatever I please. to be out of this school, this town, this state, to be out on my own. To not worry of parents or teachers or coaches. To never have to work another minimum-wage job and finally follow my dreams. Oh, to be 18 and finally be free.

Oh, to be a kid again when everything was easy. When "working" meant on weekends, "school" was more than student loans, and bills were paid by Mom and Daddy. to be regret-less and responsibility-free. to have time to spend with friends and self. To think only of myself for once, not a care in the world. To never understand "hate" or "war," to be a small-town kid where murder is just TV. To not be fearful and worried. To be young and ache-less; to be spontaneous and crazy. Oh, to be a kid again, when everything was easy.

Poetry!

I had a best friend once, long ago,

Glued to my side- I was never alone.

I talked about life and death, heaven and hell,

I talked and I talked, you knew me so well.

I miss the days when it was alright

For you and I to stay up talking all night.

Flashlight in hand, your shapes on my wall

But when I was tired, under the covers I'd crawl.

I slept at peace knowing that you were near,

Nothing is scary when you hide from the fear.

I ignored that they said that you weren't a friend,

I always believed you'd be real 'til the end.

Reality set in and finally made me see

Regardless of all, you're the best a friend could be.

Never judging, always listening, never selfish or mean

Always accepting, never blaming, eyes never full of green.

Just a trick of the eye, you showed me love

A shadow that taught me what friends are made of.

Now every time I see you, I smile a bit

Because we share secrets that no one else gets.

A little music from me to you.

Over my years (which, to me, seem to be much more numerous than my age would imply) I have used music as an outlet for almost everything. I would either listen to a song that applied to my situation, or write one. I think I wrote my first song at 10 years old about the first boy who ever called me "hot." I seemed to be in love with this image of him I had created in my head. When I saw him in the middle school hallways, I was in love. He probably had no idea who I was, though our entire three grade middle school had less than 150 students. As my obsession with this older man (he would have been 11) grew, so did my jealousy for all his prissy little girlfriends. I later found out that on the night he seduced me (calling someone hot in fifth grade counts as seducing, right?), he was on a date with is girlfriend. So, as a way to recover from all of my trauma (catch me as I faint...), I wrote a song about it. Here's a few lines:

"I don't understand it; I am confused. You've got a girl, but nothing to lose. People look at you like you are bad news... get over yourself and make your move!"

I know. It's deep stuff.

My next musical escapade came when I was just getting out of a tough break up. (It really as tough. Together for two years. almost three--- I was smitten, he was older, it was rocky.) As most of my writing does, this song started out as a ranting poem. Eventually, when I calmed down, I realized that I had had a rhythm and melody in my head all along.

"I never loved you anyway, you stupid piece of shit; I hope you know you just let go of the best you'll ever get. Broken heart, you're dreaming, kid. There's no way, no how; no way to get a broken heart from someone you didn't care about. If you knew me as you thought you did, I guess you knew I'd cry, by you've probably figured out that it was all a lie."

Need a tissue?!

I didn't think this was the case at the time, but I realize now how this went. The next guy I dated was still a rebound from the previous. Though I wrote more songs about this relationship than any other, I think a lot of it was still feelings from the past magnified onto this one. Anywho, pretty much goes in stages of our relationship:

"I've never been the corny type, with me it doesn't jive; but regardless of how cliche it sounds, you make me feel alive."

The mushiness gets worse from there. It grosses me out when others write gooey-s like that... but to think of myself?! Ick. By the way, the dude I wrote the song for has never seen or heard it. I got annoyed with is constant pestering and begging of "Where's my song? Can you send the lyrics? I just wanna hear it! etc. etc. etc." Here's a tip for anyone interested: don't bug me about anything. It's a bad plan. Next song!

"Your perfect blue eyes are like daggers through the memories; your warm loving smile disappears as you're constantly reminding me that I fucked it up and that I'm not worth much. You're killing me."

Same rebound guy. I made some mistakes in that relationship... some REALLY big mistakes. But for probably a year after the fact, I have never lived it down. The rest of the songs are pretty much about that, until I got over it and decided I really didn't care what he thought.

This one jumps back to the long-term boyfriend when he jumped back into my life (and left again).

"Why do I let you walk on me? I know I'm stronger. Why do I let you bring me down? I know I'm prouder. Why do I let you make me cry, you don't even care. I'm finally letting you go, 'cause I'm tired of trying."

As immature as the songs sound now, they were exactly what I needed at the time, and that's what counts. The next one is about every caddy bitch I've ever met, and there's a lot of them. I've had a lot of two-faced friends over the years who are more concerned with fitting in with a certain group than being a good friend to people who actually care about them. This song is for you.

"Masquerade princess, queen of deception. Your meaningless promises match your value. Own up or shut up, I'm already fed up. You're fading fast, just another society lie."

Aaaaand, the last song I'm not going to share because it really has no emotional value to me whatsoever. I just woke up with a melody and a few words in my head and decided to roll with it. I'm disappointed with how it's turned out and haven't gotten around to reworking it.

I did write a rap for my Morgan, though! If you don't know who Bo-yo is, check out this link.

Hey Morgan, it's your kid sister Jess;

Just wanna let you know that you're pretty much the best.

I love you, man, and it'll always be easy;

Even when you're huge and you're rockin' with Weezy.

I wanna wish you luck, in all your endeavors,

'Cause you've influenced me- for the better.

Thanks for all you do, homie, means a lot;

So go and show the world that pretty voice that you got!

Oh, and by the way -I'm- the greatest rappa eva,

So you can tell Bo-yo to take a lesson wheneva!

WORD!

Okay, so maybe I have a few screws loose. But what fun would it be if I weren't a smidge crazy?

I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head.

From the background of this blog, you'll realize that I love science. I eventually want to study biogenetics. From my project, you'll learn that I love music. Writing it, singing and performing it, talking about it, being involved with it: it's my passion. From reading this sentence, you'll learn that I love sports and am very competitive. I play softball, love basketball and volleyball but due to circumstances... I'm just the manager for the latter. From knowing me for a week, you'll learn that I am always thirsting for knowledge. I'm always researching my fancy of the day to quench that thirst. From the pictures below, you'll learn a little about my life. Just know that you haven't begun to scratch the surface.

Since there are no pictures of me on Project Lyrical Genius, I figured I'd just make a post that tells about myself on MY blog. This picture has a story behind it, as does everything I do. In the background, you can see my messy bedroom. Albert Einstein said, "If a cluttered desk signs a cluttered mind, of what, then, does an empty desk sign?" Well, at least we know my mind's not empty. ;) The colorfulness of the picture is rather uncharacteristic for me, but my hair does look rather stunning with six colors...

The mirrored image in the bottom left hand corner symbolizes the simplistic Jessica (three colors) vs. the complex Jessica (rainbow). Pretty cool, eh? [Photo taken in '08-'09.]

This picture represents my everyday life. In this picture are two amazing friends: on the left, another Jessica, and on the right, Morgan, [yes, that would leave me, in the center.] taken at our homecoming dance of 2009. Both of these lovely ladies have graduated and are leaving me all alone in high school. :'(

Symbolic in this picture is just how normal I can truly appear to be.

And this little guy represents happiness. When I need a little reminder that not everyone in the world is out to piss me off, or that not everyone in the world has the IQ of a rock, I take this rubberband off of my wrist, put it in the palm of my hand (which it barely fits in because I have itty-bitty hands), and just admire its adorable-ness. I have named him Koopa, because I think that was the little turtle-dinosaur-y guy on Mario, wasn't it? Oh, koopa, how I love thee.

This is my big brother Jarred and me, ages 5 and 2.

This snapshot of us on his fifth birthday represents

innocence and love. It also proves that I used to be a blonde and have some serious style skills.

Jarred and I again, now ages 14 and 16. We're somewhere in OK, posing for a picture that our parents are taking. There's a better picture of us hugging, but it's a candid shot and both of our faces are... too beautiful to be shown. These pictures show the family bond we've always had, through thick and thin.

Contact me by email, check out Project Lyrical Genius, or just chat through comments. jessica_packard17@msn.com